A year ago, this week, I was in manic shambles. Trouble had just broken out on the final stages of "Tempt!" and naturally, I dove deeper into real estate until I could figure out the next steps. My real estate success was beginning to spread like a wildfire. And I was enjoying the perks while trying to deal with the horrendous disappointment of my own business development. For the first time in my life, I was climbing up the financial ladder steadily and well...reflecting back on "Butterfly" we all know how well that ended.
As I approach the beaches of Provincetown, with Pilgrims Monument beaming down from behind, I am left with the awe of knowing that this is the very same area where the pilgrims originally docked the Mayflower and after all this time, these beaches carry the old souls of those who paved the way in hoping for a better life.
Do we have to look back in the past, to dive into perspective, in order to move forward?
In my case, the answer is yes.
Deeply reflecting, it becomes more known to me that I've seen a lot of pain, but have also inherited the new beginnings because of it.
Pain was the driving force that I'm now able to settle, by my willing to admit that it wasn't easy to walk away from certain people and past experiences, that I no longer had the option to have an unlimited mentality of prosperity and possibility, which resulted in the depletion of my adrenalin.
But the new beginnings, that served as my co-pilots, were the amount of people that I've met this year, the type of people (wonderful people), the number of Broadway shows that were gifted to me that brought me back to the reality of joy as an audience member, the directorial debut that was given to me, the opportunities to work on several film projects these past few months with individuals I've highly respected for years...
So ultimately, what does this year have over last year?
Honestly, this year has shown me that last year needed to happen in order to reveal the biggest lie that was served to me throughout my life.
Last year was supposed to be a happy year, why? Because I had more financial security, to live "comfortably".
As it turned out, I wasn't comfortable pouring my guts into everything that had meaning, externally, which sent me down the path to internal starvation.
With the drastic changes that came with having limited sources, this year, it wasn't too long before I found myself panicked and playing the condemning screams in my head, You idiot! You took a huge step forward, now you are taking a huge step back! This condemnation grew louder and louder until one day, something inside me broke, leaving me with the one and only outlook of saying, You know what? What matters is that do my best! That's all I can ask of myself. Otherwise, I don't care anymore!
With that, birthed the idea of this blog, lots of essays, a full length play, and a new voice telling me dare to think outside the box.
Hearing the ocean breeze in the middle of the night, my first night here, I discovered that I have been asking myself the wrong question this entire time;
...Are you happy?...It hasn't been the most productive question when trying to find insight from all the events that led up to this moment. Too many highs and lows are to be considered.
However, this time, my subconscious mind decided to rephrase that question and ask;
Are you happier? And the answer is YES.
In a place of enriching history it only makes sense to have everything, that is past, surrounding you, acknowledging you and reminding you that whatever your future holds, you can navigate through the lessons learned from your past.
The Mayflower and the pilgrims did not have it easy as they journeyed here from England, but with that said it is very well known that their hardships were only a chapter, not their legacy.