I dedicate this blog to an amazing singer (you know who you are), who has defined the notion of knowing thyself and doing it on purpose...No matter the obstacles.
Everyone, to my knowledge has had, at least, one arch nemesis in their lifetime. For me, I can say there have been about four. What makes a person my arch nemesis? Someone who gets involved in my creation, my work, my focus, in good pretenses, only to steal and/or sabotage those efforts.
Although time has passed, I still harbor anger and I'm sorry to say, this arch nemesis did in fact, successfully sabotage my work. I planned an exiting strategy, so I could quietly withdraw from this person and their environment, knowing politically, that would be the smartest thing to do.
But a side of me deeply regrets never having the spotlight to confront all of the lies and wrong doing...Would that have solved anything? The answer would be "no, to a certain extent..." I say "to a certain extent," because I am factoring in the victory for a peace of mind, which has currently been left in shambles. I fantasized about waiting for that moment to position the confrontation for all to see. Either way, my status would have been ousted, so what would I have had to lose? The upper hand? Perhaps this is what was gifted to me and I'm sitting in frustration not knowing how to use it? ...Rather than seeing a solution, I see my arch nemesis and just when I feel calm and able to let go of anger, it ignites the burning fury all over again. Why am I so angry? I have asked myself...Maybe I actually believed that the path was promising, I was building it, I was building "me", but naivete obviously got the best of me, in this situation when I also believed that there was somehow potential goodness in everybody...
So what can make me feel better? If I had to do it all over again, would I have given myself the opportunity to stand my ground with this person?...
...As I wrote that last paragraph, something remarkable just happened. My former roommate's voice just pierced through my thoughts. She cried out "Sociopath!" ...The very words she came to discover about a person that harmed her for years, and it just became the very word revealing the chilling truth of my arch nemesis. A person who, by definition, is an individual with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial behavior and lack of conscious...Sounds about right. For too long I watched my former roommate try to salvage a personal relationship with someone, who like my nemesis, fits the mold of this definition in its entirety. It wasn't pretty...No matter how much she would put out there to show support, in the end, this person always went above and beyond to hurt her...Maybe that's why I had, subconsciously, chosen not to confront this person. Distance equalled protection.
For me, this may not have been as personal of a relationship, but it was my work that was destroyed. And for me that was my mind, heart, soul, connected to generate a contribution to this world and that, for me, is deeply personal.
What my nemesis has done has stripped me from my security, my ability to trust, my peace...
...Whoa!...In the brink of my vulnerability,of this entry, another voice just pierced through my thoughts, it's my husband's. He once said to me "You can't change the way people treat you, but what you can change is how you choose to deal with the way people treat you."
Well, if I can put it that way, if I could really change the way I choose to deal with what happened, What is there to say?
I would say that what the nemesis has done is sharpening my thoughts, igniting the fury in my right hand as the pen imprints my life into each page of my notebook. It has created the urge to find security within myself rather than relying on the progress of my productivity. I have a new found appreciation for those I do love and trust, while acknowledging that it's okay when trust needs to be earned...And as for my lack of peace...Let's face it, some of my best work came to me when I was not at peace.
As for dealing with the Nemesis directly, I know it will never happen, but I will say this to you; Your need to continuously put others down, birthed the need to have my voice be heard. With every entry, my voice is stronger. With every entry, I am challenging myself in ways your negativity could never foresee. With every entry, I found my spotlight, and in that spotlight I say farewell to your lies, manipulation, degrading tactics and say hello to the light and beauty that I never had in your presence, but will continue to reveal with every ounce of my work...And that's honesty.