Dear Friends, Family and Former Colleagues,
There are no words to describe what this journey has been for me, thus far...As a lot of you may know, I took this journey into Arizona with great skepticism, since I lacked knowledge and experience of what this desert could provide.
In the past six weeks, I've been met with many ups and downs. Don't get me wrong, I feel beyond blessed living here with my husband and rabbits - in a location that does provide many opportunities that we didn't have in NYC:
The hikes throughout the desert are nothing short of majestic and through our choice of residing in a new building, we've made so many new friends that have just made the big move here, like us. It has been a comfort to be surrounded with such a strong level of support and understanding.
But there have been moments in between that have been difficult. Number one - being that I left the environment of ultimate stimulation to arrive in a desert of silence. It gets to me sometimes when I walk outside and I longer hear the live piano music playing from someone's open window. Or when Andrew and I went on a hike one day and Andrew pointed out tree bark from a cactus that was exposed when stripped away from its hard, green shell. Touching that bark reminded me of the times I would lean up against a tree in Central Park for one final deep stretch after a morning run. These moments implied that I'm on my own, now.
As far as stimulation, inspiration and building a vision - it's all on me, now...
I haven't been able to create anything new here (other than this letter). But what I have been doing is going back through the days where I felt I had nothing to offer other than putting a pen to paper. This dates back to fall of 2015 when I faced the downward spiral that led to the first of many delays in finishing "Tempt!" ...Never before, have I looked at any of this content and as time continued moving forward in the city, so did my writing. Through the ongoing, high-energy, stimulation, I was able to find new inspiration effortlessly and shelved whatever writings I felt were no longer relevant.
...But as time stood still, these past few weeks, I started reopening these notebooks and getting to know the person I was throughout these years.
Unknowingly, I shouldered a lot of disappointments, struggle and heartache in the privacy of these pages.
But through that disappointment, struggle and heartache, I am realizing that I'm very proud of who I was. All that was happening was a result of me trying to do the right thing and do right by others. I wanted to spearhead a vision with an agenda that involved building my skills up without the malicious tactics of tearing others down.
This person wanted to take action that came from a good place and she was far more aware of herself and those around her than she gave herself credit for.
These notebooks, (from 2015 - 2019) I've come to realize will take some time to go through, but I have found some interesting messages along the way. And yes, one of them includes the article I published in Thrive Global, this week "The Stimulation & The Decompression",
...not to mention the abundance of poems I've come across and having to choose six of them to submit to The New Yorker, last week. I don't know if I'll get published in the New Yorker...it would be a dream come true if I did...But, regardless, I'm not going to hide behind my efforts any longer. You all have taught me what it's like to stay strong when I'm feeling the most vulnerable.
This past Wednesday, I posted this photo, right before my first audition in six years.
I was so excited that I didn't really stop and think about what I had just done until I was walking into the agency. That’s when the normal internal dialogue appeared in my head:
"You idiot! If you tell people about your audition and you don't get the job or a contract, you're not just letting yourself down, you're letting them down too. What are you going to tell them when they ask 'How did it go?' or 'When will you know if you got the job?' Yeah, you are setting yourself up for embarrassment."
...But when I looked at my social media and saw all of your prayers, warm wishes, and good vibes - something inside me clicked...I was not going to fall. And even if I didn't get it, my internal dialogue changed from:
"Don't tell anybody!"
"Your people have your back, now go get em' !!"
And it resulted in the best audition I've ever done.
...Scrolling through every reaction and message...it still gives me chills when I think about it. Feeling the vibes and warmth from all different walks in life...This powerhouse synergy just wrapped around me and gave me the ultimate comfort that reminded me how awesome the people in my life truly are.
"We are here" - is what I kept feeling and it surrounded me.
I say all of this to say to you, with a humble heart, thank you. Thank you for being here for me. Your presence has moved me in such a way that has forever changed me...for the good.
All of your prayers, well wishes, and good vibes paid off during that audition because I am reviewing a contract that was sent to me, today. And as far as future submissions from what I've written in my notebooks, or the results of the poems I've already submitted to The New Yorker - no matter the outcome, I'll be okay. As long as I am sharing the ups and downs with you on this journey, the goodness from your authenticity and love makes it all worth while.
Thank you so much for all you have given me.