To my inner little girl who wasn't afraid to dream:
You had it right all along.
Here I am, asked to partake in a script which resonates a powerful voice - addressing the issues women go through that are often left unsaid. A part of me does not feel worthy of this piece, it's that good.
Not worthy...Was this feeling taught to me at an early age?
Or is it just me?
Or am I feeling this way because...I am a woman?
Drama Teacher#1: You’re pretty. All you have to do is show up at the Oscars and you will get coverage.
...She actually said this to me...
Drama Teacher #2: Bring out the monster!
...He actually said this to me...and I loved what he had to say next:
Drama Teacher #2: You may look innocent and seem harmless, sweet and one dimensional, but when you dive into work, you release this power, this energy, it is so big it’s monstrous! Bring out the monster!!!
... And that's exactly what he did during his stellar performance in a film that was nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars a few years ago...
Still...Why did I just suddenly remember his advice, but I remembered hers all this time? Is it because it was coming from another woman? Or is it because it is natural for the reptilian side of our brain to only remember the negativity to keep our defenses armed for potential threats, so much so, that we tend to completely disregard the compliments?
The script is in my hands...
“Echoes in Silence”
A woman births the journey of six women who have something to say and some things we don’t want to say. We explore the shelter of sisterhood during the moment our lives are invaded by a whirlwind of darkness.
Sisterhood...Women supporting women.
I spent two weeks feeling my bundle of nerves eat at me as I embody these lines.
Was this a good thing? ...
Was this a bad thing? ...
It was a real thing.
It was exciting and sometimes...frightening.
Often because what is left unsaid is frightening and unpleasant.
The main reason why I found my nerves flying off the rails is because this was the first time someone has ever offered me the chance to take on a role like this. A role that is truly human. Something I have dreamt about for as long as I can remember.
Cue the music!
My heart starts beating, rapidly, as the table read begins and I am the first of the six women to address the audience. I know my lines, I know them all too well, but I choke on them as if I am being silenced. And my emotions begin to take over...
Just say it! Just say what you have to say!!
The first thing that comes flying out of my mouth is not the right line.
(Screams fill my head)
(Maybe Drama Teacher #1 was right...)
Wait! Stop it!
There’s something extraordinary here...honesty. Tell them the truth!!
So I did.
After the blunders of my first monologue, I fly into the mercy of the second one. Raw honesty in the flesh.
The third monologue - not bad, I missed two lines, but I made it through. Afterwards, I found myself walking backstage, wanting to condemn my brain for all of the mistakes I made.
I ran up to my husband, who was in the audience. The first thing that comes out of my mouth?
Me: I messed up so bad!
Husband: You were real! This all felt very real. I didn’t even notice.
I reiterated my frustration to Viktoria (the writer and director):
Viktoria: Yeah, I noticed, but I wasn't worried. You’ve got this.
Me: Still I want to kick myself for all of my flaws.
Viktoria: Throughout life, I’ve learned that flaws can bring beauty to everything.
Her feedback meant the world to me. I take her insight as words of wisdom. Words to try and always remember...
I was left to conclude our conversation with...
Me: I want to be like you when I grow up!
We both laughed.
I wake up hours later, writing this blog and discovering a new realm of peace. I feel that things will be easier. I feel there is a solid level of support in this family of an all female cast and crew, more support than I could have ever imagined receiving from other women. I feel there is more of me to explore, internally...more to me than what I haven't been able to see. All of this resulting in the high I'm still experiencing coming off the table read and being ignited by strength of "sisterhood".
When bound together, what we say and how we choose to contribute to each other's lives can have a much deeper impact than we realize.
A woman (Drama Teacher #1) may have made me feel that I did not have much to offer in my work, but another woman with far more professional credibility showed me what I’m capable of accomplishing if given a chance.
And now, I am paying it forward by asking you all to give Viktoria a chance. A chance to bring this story to film, a chance for a voice to be heard and celebrate the power of sisterhood. We are about $1,000 short of being green lit and we only have 4 more days left on the campaign. If you are unable to donate at this time, there is still an opportunity to show your support by becoming a follower.
The link to the campaign is right below..
Thank you for your time and for allowing my voice to be heard. And thank you, in advance, for sharing this message to others in support of women who want to serve the world by creating the best work possible when united.